Oh my, where to start....from the beginning I suppose. March 21st, 2008 I was matched on eHarmony with a gentleman named "Russ". On April 2nd we had our first date and have been inseparable ever since. In fact, I've been head over heels in love with this man almost from the very moment we met...I just, "kinda knew" I guess you can say. I'm just so incredibly in love with him-I am overcome with emotion when I think of my life and my future with him. He's just so incredibly beautiful to me. Sometimes I find myself just staring at him, just admiring his blue eyes, his full lips or something as simple as his skin tone...I fall in love with him more everyday...just when I think my heart is completely full, it fills some more. I can't even begin to imagine my life without him.
I can remember the feeling of wanting to be a mother, way back when. The birth of my two children and the initial desire to have them was the most intense "out of control" feeling I had encountered-it was as if I simply could not exist if I didn't give birth those two times-and in fact, I was right. My two children have been my reason for living...they are very much a part of me and although they are both grown they'll always be my reason for living.
I was perfectly content with only having had two children, until now, until I met my Russ. That familiar desire, the unrelentless "need" to have a child with this man is what, of late anyway, drives my every move. Everyday I find my thoughts wandering to life "after baby".
I've been seeing a fertility specialist-it seems that I can no longer simply "think about getting pregnant" to make it happen. The results are in and due to my ripe old age of 42 I have some "hormone" issues. Tuesday I go back to the RE for a consultation and a "plan of attack"; I'm so excited I can hardly contain myself. Of course, Russ still has to have his "test", which is scheduled for next Thursday-he's a nervous wreck about doing the "deed"...it's cute, in a silly way-but I just think he's cute, period. His nervousness is endearing to me.
Today I had my first acupuncture treatment-I've been very stressed and kind of feeling a sense of failure over not having gotten pregnant yet; however, I left my appointment with a new feeling of enthusiasm. As Russ said yesterday, "it'll happen when it's supposed to"...this of course said to me after having fallen apart when AF decided to show up. And so my journey continues...and hopefully, someday soon...this blog will find me writing about a positive test result and whole new adventure.
Peace out!!
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